"a fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun"


First Online Story
See any number of ass-kissing paeans to Suck, home of barely bite-sized bursts of uninformative bile with the depth of insight of a college newspaper op-ed.
Five years ago today in Suck.
(try 11!)

Q. Who said Suck is entitled to a vacation?

A. Well, it all goes back to our abiding ambition to become the Johnny Carsons of the Web. You'll recall that the original latenight smoothie was famous not only for his unflappable desk manner, uproarious animal guests and outrageous "Carnac" routines, but for disappearing for weeks and months at a time, leaving the show in the capable hands of various Brenners and Shandlings. And who can forget the immortal Joan Rivers? Didn't these frequent absences really just make you fonder of old Johnny?

Q. No, they didn't.

A. But consider how the vacations gave you a chance to reflect on all that Johnny meant to you.

Q. That was back in the eighties, you over-the-hill fuckfaces. We're in a competitive global economy now, where Dave and Jay can't afford to lose even a week's worth of edge.

A. That's true at the general level, not at the specific. Our surveys indicate Web content in the year 2001 is the least competitive industry since Special Education. What else are you going to read? GettingIt? RequestLine? The Finger?

Q. Better their back issues than your moldy old flapdoodle. Old Sucks are torture — like reading five-year-old Village Voice articles, just like James Wolcott said.

A. If you really feel this way, maybe you should look into our five years ago today feature.

Q. I've tried that. It just doesn't fulfill me like a brand new Suck, ripped from today's headlines.

A. If you're looking to Suck for fulfillment, you've got bigger problems than our vacation.

Q. But I do look to Suck for fulfillment. Suck is my [breakfast time/work-shirking/coffee break/lunchtime] reading; without it my life isn't complete.

A. Then why are you always sending us nasty letters?

Q. It's tough love! I feel that you guys owe me — me personally — your best work, 365 days a year. You can't just leave me hanging like this!

A. But think how good it will feel when you see the Sucksters again, tanned, rested and ready, with recharged batteries and can-do attitudes!

Q. Who wants a can-do attitude from the Sucksters? You're supposed to be miserable for my entertainment. Whatever happened to suffering for your art?

A. Every day for six years we've been shucking and jiving for the amusement of a bunch of retards and you say we're not suffering enough?

Q. How dare you refer to me that way? I've been reading Suck since 1995, before you sold out and it really started to blow. You bastards owe me for all that time!

A. No, you owe us. Why should we have to slave like this without a break?

Q. Because without Suck, who will challenge America's foulest blowhards? Without Suck you've got a whole country of people who think loathsome drizzlerods like Maureen Dowd are incredibly daring and insightful and self-infatuated lardasses like Thomas L. Friedman are shrewd commentators on the world scene. Without Suck who's going to challenge the sad little weasels with nothing going for them? Without Suck it's just grinning idiots all the way down, Steve Martin humor columns, asswipe behind-the-scenes specials about the making of Tomb Raider.

A. We feel your pain. We truly do. But even schoolchildren get the summer off. We want to be alone.

Q. Fuck what you want. What about my needs? What am I supposed to do in the meantime?

A. Keep your feet on the ground, keep reaching for the stars, enjoy our hand-selected Suck classics, and keep on dreaming of a better day.

Q. Where is the love?

A. It's all around you. Can't you feel it?

Q. I guess I can. Is this vacation for real?

A. Real as the World Wide Web. See you soon.